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You have decided to take the plunge. You are ready to have another go and are hopeful that this time you are going to meet someone you can really have a great relationship with. Now is the time to re-evaluate what has gone before, so that you can start afresh, confident that you are not dragging your past into your present.
The past is so over
The past should ALWAYS stay just where it belongs. Dragging it around with us suffocates the potential for a new relationship to flourish. Your new date is not the same person as your old partner and it isn't fair on them to assume that they are. To give a new relationship a fair chance we must leave all our previous relationships behind, for better or worse. Take a moment to acknowledge what has gone before and then finally let it go. Bad times should be forgotten about as quickly as possible, continuously rehashing them is needlessly pointless. There will have been wonderful moments too and we will always have those memories to treasure, but we cannot expect our new relationship to be the same, it will be different and the wonderful moments will still be there but in different form.
Take stock
Take a firm, yet compassionate look at yourself right now. Don't be afraid, there is nothing to fear. Cast your mind back to the last relationship you were in and think about what you would do differently this time around. There may be things that you want to - maybe need to - change, but you won't know unless you take a gentle look right now.
Who do you want to be?
Ask yourself who you want to be in a relationship. Do you want to be loving, kind, caring, compassionate, understanding, loyal, fun, and enthusiastic? If these are things you value in yourself and others then make sure these qualities come with you. Now, if it feels helpful, ask yourself who you don't want to be? You might not want to be clingy, insecure, critical, argumentative, moody, disloyal or harsh. Now is the time to leave these things behind.
Is history repeating itself?
Now is also a good time to just check in with yourself that you aren't going for the same unsuitable personality type over and over again. Sometimes, we choose people who represent something to us that we feel we need to fix, like a first love that we never really got over, or sometimes a parental relationship that was lacking in some way. We then try to fix these problems from our past by going for someone whom we have identified, unconsciously, as requiring our help or us theirs. Try and do things differently in your next relationship. You might find by choosing someone who doesn't need to be 'fixed' that you enjoy a much more adult, reciprocal relationship that doesn't make demands on you to take on a parental or unilaterally care-taking role. Likewise, if you are someone who has wanted to be parented in a relationship ask yourself whether this is something you really want in the future. Healthy relationships allow both partners to take on care-taking roles at different times. This role should not be the preserve of just one of you, which is unfair, unsupportive and will rapidly turn a relationship into an onerous chore.
Step into the future
We must accept that we cannot change the past. We can learn from the mistakes we made and from the difficulties we encountered. We can also rethink our attitudes and expectations to allow ourselves more freedom to enjoy the experience of having a new person in our lives. We can breathe life into a new relationship, allowing it to develop and grow simply by leaving behind our past and stepping into the exciting possibility of a new and hopeful future.